i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
this hospital has no fireball
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
