ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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