Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
