her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
