not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
