my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
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