Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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