You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
