go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
