I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
