I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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