I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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