I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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