The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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