is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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