sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
