Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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