i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
