yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
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Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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