I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Your cock deserves a montage
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
