I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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