What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
