found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
