I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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