Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
