"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
