Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
