hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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