I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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