You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
