she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
