Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
