she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize