I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
