Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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