I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
