he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
