I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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