tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I need moral support for this bender
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
