The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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