yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
