i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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