So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
