how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
There's even glitter on my cock...
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