onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
