I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
