I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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