You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
