Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
