I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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