Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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