I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
