It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
