When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
